reading helter skelter

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The first day of school after a long, long while.

Today was quite difficult for me.

Never had imagined that i would have that much difficulties on the first day.

Frankly?

The school that i had dreamt about for four whole years?

Let me down on the very first day.

I don't know.. maybe it was the atmosphere? culture change? people?

but i never felt that silent before in my entire life.

Going to a new school with different people alone is difficult,

i concluded today as i skipped across the raod back home.

Got home, thought about how stupid i was to have thought that i can do this alone.

Total madness, i tell myself now.

Great, now i'm far from where the people who had been a part of 10 years in my life is,

and even further from letting go and giving in to the fact that i am already in this school.

So i called people, asked them how it was.

A few was fine, a few fun, a few thrown into the same flustering situation as myself.

And the questions whether it was the right choice kept sliding across my mind.

I kicked myself hard for not praying about it 4 weeks ago,

i missed the culture, the devotions, the faces badly,

and it did not make matters any better that people called me joe-shua.

But somehow inside of me i felt that burning feeling,

that feeling that i should probably give this another shot tomorrow,

be happy, take this lead and make my own fun.

Hey this school might not be the school that has watched me grow in the past couple of years,

much in contrast to its school anthem, i must admit, sidetracking.

It blatantly had the words "this school that watched me grow".

yea right. i'm 90 percent fairsian whether you like it or not.

anyway, though this school has not watched me grow,

i'd still have the make the best of it.

2 years is a very short time, considering the 10 years i've been through..

but still there was that wrapped up insecurity that held fast within me.

I could not let go.

i could not take His hands and let him lead me into a new beginning,

for i was afraid of what was going to happen to the past.

what if it just, dissappears?

i've seen things drifting apart in these 10 years,

and i certainly do not want the past 2 years to ever go that easily.

So as i stood at the tip of the cliff, looking over my shoulder at the past and contemplating the future,

I realised that i had to let go,

to put it in His hands that the past would always be apart of me,

and it would be beautifully interwoven with the future.

Let me try tomorrow.

Dear Lord, please be with me.

Amen.

Cheers.

post by joshua at 7:50 AM (x)

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cheers.